LYRICS

President Grab Them By The Pussy

By Dave Hornstein

1. Donald Trump is a con man

Who lies every time he speaks

Don’t ever try to be nice to him

For he only will assume you’re weak

He can’t stand criticism

He’s got money, but no class

And he always likes to surround himself

With idiots who kiss his ass

Chorus: He’s President Grab Them By The Pussy

And I do not mean a cat

An embarrassment to humanity

Is the President who acts like that

President Grab Them By The Pussy

He’s a racist, fascist and crook

A narcissist, misogynist

He’s every evil thing in the book

2. Donald Trump is a racist

He fans the flames of fear

He even inspires mass killers

The evidence is clear

If you’re looking for a better life

Fleeing gangs and poverty

He’ll kidnap and abuse your kids

And lock up your whole family

Chorus

3. Donald Trump is a sexist

He thinks with his other head

He’s paid hush money to Stormy

And other women that he took to bed

At the teenage beauty pageant

To the dressing room he’d go

So he could catch contestants naked

It was his favorite part of the show

Chorus

4. Donald Trump is a fascist

He hates democracy

He calls opponents and the media traitors

And the people’s enemies

He breaks the law at every turn

He ignores the Constitution

His role model is Putin

And he really likes Kim Jong-un

Chorus

5. Donald Trump is a phony

He claims he’s for the common White man

But he’s just out for rich folks like himself

He showed it with his big tax scam

He wants to take away your health care

And cut Social Security

He plays his racist base for suckers

Exploiting their stupidity

Chorus

6. Donald Trump is a criminal

It’s helped his fortune swell

If you ever want to bribe him

Book some rooms at his DC hotel

He abused his power with Ukraine

An enormous overreach

And he’s kept obstructing Congress

We’re so glad that he has been impeached

Chorus

7. Donald Trump is a liar

Bad enough to make you hurl

If he was Pinocchio

His nose would circle ’round the world

He blames others for his failures

And he never admits he’s wrong

And he’s got no sense of humor

So we know he’ll surely hate this song

Chorus

He’s every evil thing in the book

Lonesome Fields

By Dave Hornstein

1. Now you tell me that you want me out by morning

You say that it is over, evermore

But I still do love you so

And I really hate to go

As you say goodbye and then show me the door

Now the moon is rising over in the meadow

And the wind is blowing dust upon the plain

And my heart’s so badly broken that it cannot be repaired

And I’m going back to lonesome fields again

2. Now I’m asking you if you will reconsider

I’ve treated you the best way that I know

But you will not change your mind

And I feel caught in a bind

For I find it hard to simply let you go

Now the moon is rising over in the meadow

And the wind is blowing dust upon the plain

And my heart’s been badly broken, will it ever be repaired?

And I’m going back to lonesome fields again

3. Now you tell me that I shouldn’t think about you

Because it seems you’ve found somebody new

But he’s not as good as me

And you’re just too blind to see

And I know some day that you’ll find out it’s true

Now the moon is rising over in the meadow

And the wind is blowing dust upon the plain

And my heart has sure been broken, but it just might get repaired

As I’m going back to lonesome fields again

4. Now I realize that you are far from perfect

You’d go crazy ’til I talked things out clear through

You would sit around and whine

And you’d waste a lot of time

Makes me wonder just how I put up with you

Now the moon is rising over in the meadow

And the wind is blowing dust upon the plain

And my heart has sure been broken, but it’s gonna be repaired

As I’m coming back from lonesome fields again

5. Now I know that I am better off without you

There is no more need to cry and turn and toss

For I’ve done all I can do

And I’ve found somebody new

And I know that it has surely been your loss

Now the moon is rising over in the meadow

And the wind is blowing dust upon the plain

And my heart, it once was broken, but by now it’s been repaired

And I’ve made it back from lonesome fields again

Yes, my heart, it once was broken, but by now it’s been repaired

And I’ve made it back from lonesome fields again

Bullshit

By Dave Hornstein

Don’t ask if what I’m saying still contains a grain of truth

The words you’ve used so many times before

Don’t tell me how you figured out the answers in a flash

I’ll say less than I know and you’ll say more

But lately I’ve decided that it’s just a waste of time

And I’m not about to try it once again

I never should have met you, that should not come as a blow

You’ve thrown too much away

As though it didn’t make a difference

Today is not tomorrow

So I can’t predict what’s next

I remember that great prank you pulled last Christmas

For once you thought you wouldn’t be second best

So you ran away but they caught you on the isthmus

You said “I won’t talk” the day that you confessed

But it really makes no difference to the things before and since

Though I know it means an awful lot to you

It’s sad to say, but no one cares

And no one else will know

It’s sad for you, but not for me

But you won’t see the difference

Don’t ask me for a favor, I won’t ask for one from you

You needn’t analyze my every move

Don’t tell me what you’re doing, you should know that I don’t care

Obnoxiousness comes natural to you

But maybe I’m not being fair

To anyone I know

And maybe they have not been fair to me

Well, so many false ideas will last through history

And no surprise at all that they’re believed

Especially the ones they try to shroud in mystery

It’s what a sane mind never could conceive

But if I know enough of you to cut through all this shit

I know what will be the method of your death

But who should really care at all to read what I have wrote

And who would want to sing this

And could they even try

Don’t listen to my stories, they will put you all to sleep

I doubt if you will ever get the point

Some day I just might throw them all into a giant heap

Then walk away while toking on a joint

And if I find that this makes sense

To no one but myself

I think I really wouldn’t give a damn

Oh, I walked into a lecture hall

With everyone asleep

I wrote some dirty words upon the board

The professor, he was waking up

As I began to leave

The words had shocked him out of any speech

No, I won’t apologize if I have wasted all your time

Throughout it all I know I have digressed

If you’re stupid or a masochist, you’ve waded long enough

If you’re otherwise, by now you’ve given up

Go With The Flow

By Dave Hornstein

You can’t turn back the clock

You can’t make time stand still

You’ve got to go with the flow

And do what you will

Go, go go go, go with the flow

I said go, go go go, go with the flow

Go with the flow

(extended instrumental break)

You can’t turn back the clock

You can’t make time stand still

You’ve got to go with the flow

And do what you will

Go, go go go, go with the flow

I said go, go go go, go with the flow

Go with the flow

Let The Snow Fall

By Dave Hornstein

1. Just this morning

As I was getting set to go

I heard a warning

Coming on the radio

Said, “In a minute, we will get a foot of snow

Please stay inside, if you’ve got nowhere to go’

There’s a blizzard coming down

It will bury this old town

Chorus: Let the snow fall (let the snow fall)

Set the heavens free

Let the snow fall (let the snow fall)

As far as the eye can see

Let the snow fall (let the snow fall)

Let it pile deep

Let the snow fall (let the snow fall)

Much too high to leap

I don’t mind

Don’t mean to sound unkind

Got a place to hide

Because I’m still inside

I won’t go out

Until they get this city plowed

No, the snow is no bother, you see

Because it ain’t falling down on me

2. There were people

Who were stranded on the road

And one tall steeple

That was covered up with snow

And the dump trucks

Had no place to put their load

So the mayor

Sounded like he would explode

This city is a mess

It is in such great distress

But

Chorus

3. It kept falling

But I didn’t really mind

If you looked out

There’s a chance that you’d go blind

Some people got lost

And they took six days to find

They were frozen

In the shape of a watermelon rind

The TV weatherman came on strong

For we knew he’d called it wrong

He said

Chorus

4. So we sat home

And we smoked our dope all week

While the TV

Said the blizzard was a freak

And the mayor

Found his best efforts were weak

Like a finger

Plugging a 38-foot leak

This storm has closed the state

We might as well just hibernate

And

Chorus

5. After ten days

It just wouldn’t snow no more

We tried to get out

But the snow blocked up our door

Walking outside

Took a great degree of stealth

Don’t try shoveling

If you want to save your health

You will only hurt your back

Or maybe get a heart attack

Just

Chorus

A Message to Trump Supporters

By Dave Hornstein

Donald Trump thinks you’re stupid. He lies to you just like he lies to everyone else, and he thinks you’re stupid enough to believe his lies.

Trump talks down to you. He likes to speak in a simplistic manner because he thinks you’re stupid.

Trump has total contempt for you. When Trump said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any support, he meant that he thinks you’re so stupid that you would let him get away with murder.

Keep in mind that Trump is a narcissist and a sociopath. He’s totally self-centered and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but himself. For Trump, loyalty is a selfish, one-way street. He wants total loyalty from everyone but will throw any of you under the bus in a heartbeat and has already done so.

Trump encouraged Georgia’s idiot Gov. Brian Kemp to reopen prematurely, with Georgia a long ways from meeting federal reopening guidelines. But when his public health experts told him that this would be a bad idea, Trump threw Kemp under the bus, saying that he was reopening Georgia too soon.

Trump encouraged demonstrations against state stay-at-home orders, which endangered you, especially when you didn’t wear masks or engage in social distancing. Some demonstrators have gotten the coronavirus. If any of you get sick and die, Trump doesn’t care. That’s why if any of you attend his rallies, you’ll have to sign a waiver agreeing not to sue the Trump campaign if you catch the coronavirus.

Trump stupidly suggested injecting disinfectants to treat the coronavirus. After enormous blowback, he claimed he was being sarcastic. That was a lie, for if you watch the clip, his tone wasn’t the least bit sarcastic. When told that his idiotic suggestion led to a spike in calls to poison control centers, Trump said he wasn’t responsible.

Remember that Trump lies almost every time he opens his mouth and never admits to being wrong about anything, no matter how painfully obvious it may be. All he cares about is getting re-elected. He only wants to use you and he has no concern for your well-being

My Biggest Mistake

By Dave Hornstein

My biggest mistake was becoming a lawyer. In the fall of 1973, as I began my senior year at the University of Michigan, I wasn‘t sure what to do after graduating. Watergate was going on at the time, in which a number of lawyers were playing prominent roles in uncovering Nixon administration corruption, and I followed the story intensely. To some degree, this piqued my interest in the law.

I took the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) and got a high score. I then applied to a number of law schools, and was accepted at Wayne State University. But soon enough, I discovered that the pain at Wayne falls mainly on the brain.

I began law school in the fall of 1974 and quickly found that I hated it, for it sucked on both the practical and intellectual levels.

On the practical side, the one thing you never learn in law school is how to practice law. Law school primarily consists of three years of reading appellate court opinions, which is only appropriate training for a law professor or appellate court judge. If doctors were trained the same way as lawyers, all theory and no practice, we‘d really be in trouble.

At the same time, I found law school to be intellectually shallow. Questions of law in the appellate cases we read were decided on the basis of legal precedent. If a previous judge decided a question in a particular way, then a judge confronted by the same question should decide it identically. This approach was mindless, running contrary to the way intelligent people should decide matters before them, which should take into account such factors as common sense, logic, and achieving a fair and just result. And, of course, there was no room for creativity.

I seriously considered dropping out of law school at several points, but everyone I talked with told me to stick it out, assuring me that it would get better once I was out in the real world. Finding law school slightly more tolerable in smaller doses, I reduced my class load and graduated a semester late, in December 1977.

I took the bar exam and passed it, and in 1978, I was admitted to practice as a full-fledged member of the State Bar of Michigan. I soon found that those who told me to stick it out in law school could stick it where the sun doesn‘t shine, for they were wrong. I hated practicing law. Lawyers mostly deal with negative stuff. Why does someone need a lawyer in the first place? They‘ve been injured in an accident. They‘re facing criminal charges. They‘re getting divorced. They‘re going bankrupt. Yeccchhhh! The courts are essentially involved in things that have gone wrong, which they don‘t always handle in the most constructive way. It‘s just another business, where achieving justice tends to be a coincidence. Being aware of all this, I never felt comfortable in a courtroom.

During my brief legal career, the largest chunk of my practice was in personal injury, on both the plaintiff and defense sides. In this racket, I saw plaintiff lawyers chase ambulances and defense lawyers milk insurance companies.

By 1981, I had become thoroughly disgusted with the practice of law, and began to move into a new career as a writer and editor, for writing comes naturally to me. Over the years, I have worked in journalism, public relations, corporate communications and technical writing.

Because I had no further interest in practicing law, I put myself on the State Bar‘s inactive list in 1982, so that I wouldn‘t waste money on bar dues. Later that year, I joined Mensa, qualifying, ironically enough, on the basis of my LSAT score.

I‘ve moved several times since then, but I never sent any address changes to the State Bar. Being a lawyer was a thing of the past, so why bother?

I never sent any address changes to Wayne State, either, but they always managed to track me down, sending me alumni publications, whether I wanted them or not, and begging for money. I finally told the Wayne State beggars that they will never get a penny out of me and never to ask me for money again, and the begging ended.

Along the way, I also received notices of alumni events, but I attended only one of them. In 1997, I went to my law school 20th anniversary class reunion, where a lot of people congratulated me for having the courage and intelligence to get out of the business. I felt vindicated.

I have a curious nature, and in August 2010, just for the hell of it, I went to the State Bar website and looked myself up in the membership directory. I didn‘t know if I would even find a listing for me, but sure enough I did. To my surprise, I was listed as suspended for nonpayment of dues. What dues? As an inactive member, I didn‘t owe any dues money.

What was going on here? I e-mailed the State Bar staff and was told that in 2003, the Michigan Supreme Court approved an asinine rule change requiring inactive members to pay bar dues of $217.50 a year. To require someone who isn‘t actively practicing law to pay bar dues is a rip-off, making those Supreme Court justices who voted for the rule change a gang of thieves in black robes.

At the time of the rule change, the State Bar still had my 1982 address, and it was well past the time that mail could be forwarded from it. That was the address to which notice of the rule change and a subsequent invoice were sent. I didn‘t hear from them, they didn‘t hear from me, and in 2004 I was suspended for nonpayment of dues.

Since I have no desire to ever practice law again and won‘t waste money on bar dues, I was given two choices. One was to resign my State Bar membership. The other was to take emeritus status. To qualify for emeritus status, one must either be at least 70 years old, which I wasn’t at the time, or be a State Bar member for at least 30 years.

I was deemed qualified on the latter ground for 32 years of State Bar membership, and it didn‘t matter that it consisted of four years of active membership, 22 years of inactive membership, and six years of being suspended.

The ironic part was that if I had kept the State Bar up to date on my address changes and been notified of the idiotic rule change in 2003, I wouldn‘t have qualified for emeritus status, for at that time my combined active and inactive membership amounted to 25 years. In that case, I would have had to resign, not that I would have cared.

Because I appreciated the irony, I chose emeritus status. So here I am today, an emeritus member of the State Bar of Michigan. It just goes to show that the law is an ass and the lawyers are its wipers.

The Train That Was Hijacked to Cuba

By Dave Hornstein

1. Riding on the train to San Francisco

Hoping for a pleasant trip

Finally getting where I want to go

Maybe I will stay for keeps

Riding smoothly along

Humming stray bars from a song

Hoping nothing would go wrong

To me this time

2. Meeting many strange people on the journey

Heading for the selfsame place

One was telling everyone of all his learning

Another always hid his face

Wondering what I could do

In the time before the trip is through

Maybe meet somebody new

Or maybe not

3. A strange cat got on the train in Kansas City

Looking nervous as can be

Suddenly I noticed that his coat was bulging

But he was thinking I didn’t see

Man, that guy was weird

Always scratching at his beard

At all the pretty girls he leered

And they just ran

4. Suddenly he pulled his gun on the conductor

And told him not to say a word

Then he said to take him to the engineer

To everyone it seemed absurd

But I was flipping out

This hijacker was cool, no doubt

But San Francisco was out

I realized

5. Ten minutes later the conductor came back

Looking scared as he could be

Then he told us we were going off to Cuba

This train has been hijacked, you see

I wondered how we would get there

Though in my heart I did not care

A train just can’t fly through the air

Or swim the sea

6. The hijacker told us that he could do magic

To keep the train from getting wet

He said that any opposition would be tragic

But still somebody made a bet

The hijacker cast a spell

The skeptic first floated, then fell

It scared everyone like hell

Except for me

7. The end of the tracks came and here was the big test

To see the magic make us go

The guy cast his big spell and it was a success

We flew the Gulf of Mexico

The passengers shouted for more

He responded by slamming a door

And then the Cuban shore

Came into view

8. And when the train made its stop in Havana

The hijacker went his way

But without his magic we were stuck in Cuba

The land of Fidel and Che

So I decided to stay

I forgot about the Frisco Bay

Yes, I’ve left the USA

Forever more

Thank God for the Atheists

By Dave Hornstein

1. There are so many different religions

And different ways they can be viewed

They all say their faith’s strong

And the rest have it wrong

While selling theories of God that no one can prove

Chorus So I say, thank God for the atheists

Some claim their beliefs are quite odd

But there’s no demonizing

No proselytizing

And they never will kill you in the name of their God

Yes I say, thank God for the atheists

They never say God’s on their side

They don’t claim God’s teaching

No hypocritical preaching

While all the religions have plenty to hide

2. Some claim all the truth’s in the Bible

And expect all the world to agree

But some of it’s fiction

And there’s some contradictions

And remember the Bible condones slavery

Chorus

3. There are stern religious authorities

And they never want you to think

They will set your life’s rules

And they’ll treat you like fools

They will even determine what you eat and drink

Chorus

4. Some claim they’re the source of morality

But their shortcomings have never ceased

There’s scams, inquisitions

Jihads, corrupt positions

And covering up all those pedophile priests

Chorus

5. Some say that life here is a prelude

And there’s a better world in the beyond

Some claim we get there

Through merit or prayer

While some try to get there with a suicide bomb

Chorus

6, Some show no respect for the women

It happens all over the world

Where they don’t have a voice

And with birth, there’s no choice

And fix up fifty-year-old guys with fourteen-year-old girls

Chorus

7. Religion can really divide us

Some can’t stand how the other folks pray

There’ve been wars, persecutions

Pogroms, executions

And hating your neighbor because they are gay

Chorus

8. There is so much fear in religion

They always want you to be scared

Just keep praising your God

And improve all your odds

But believe it or not, just why should God care?

Chorus

9. So say goodbye to those boring services

Put your holy books on the shelf

It’s all just opinion

So who needs religion?

Just go do your homework and think for yourself

Chorus

Captains

By Dave Hornstein

1. Sailing on rough waters, just a mile from a port

The captain said to press on, when we wanted to stop short

Just then a fog came rolling in and blinded one and all

It lasted for three hours, thought we’d heard somebody fall

And when it cleared, we look on deck, our captain he was gone

The first mate said, “It’s alright now and time that we moved on

It’s hard to tell, it’s hard to tell

Just when the captain fell

Nobody had a kind word

They just hoped he’d gone to hell

2. The first mate, now the captain, had command of our whole crew

He said, “No need to hang around, I’ve work for you to do

First clean the bilge, then wipe the deck and polish all the glass

And if you want advancement, you had better kiss my ass”

Well, several guys didn’t take to that and jumped the captain then

And when they all were finished, he could not get up again

It’s hard to tell, it’s hard to tell

Just who put in the knife

One stab was all that did it

It did end the captain’s life

3. One of the crowd did speak out loud and said, “I guess it’s me

From now on I’m your captain, I know you will all agree”

Then someone said, “You’re full of shit, for I deserve that post

I’m better than the rest of you and this is not a boast”

Well nobody could get the chance to figure who was right

For they just looked at each other and began another fight

It’s hard to tell, it’s hard to tell

Just who had fired first

When the smoke had cleared, they both were dead

Two bubbles quickly burst

4. By now I’d got disgusted with our captains dead and gone

And I could not take another one, the mistakes would carry on

The crew did search amongst themselves, a captain for to find

But they only talked for hours and could not make up their minds

That night I went and took a boat with my companions three

We dropped it in the water and in darkness we did flee

It’s hard to tell, it’s hard to tell

The hour we jumped ship

Two boats were sent out after us

But we gave them both the slip

5. Don’t listen to your captains if you want to turn out well

Don’t follow their advice, for they will lead you straight to hell

Do always what you think is right, no matter what they say

Fight hard for your beliefs, for they will try to get their way

Remember that they will take you all for suckers, sheep or fools

Keep two eyes always on them, for they’ll twist their own made rules

It’s hard to tell, it’s hard to tell

Just why I wrote this song

I could say it was to kill time

But you knew that all along

The Chickens Are Coming Home to Roost

By Dave Hornstein

1. The man who used to live down the road near the pine trees

Now is coming after you for when you cheated with his wife

And the man who you robbed of every penny he didn’t earn free

Is telling everybody that he’s gonna take your life

Yes, all that you’ve done in the past

Is now finally catching up with you at last

So now you see, if you haven’t yet deduced

That all the chickens are coming home to roost

2. The man from whom you borrowed so much money, not returning

Is now taking you to court, where he’s gonna skin your hide

And the neighbor you got drunk when you saw her house was burning

She isn’t stopping short, she knows you took her for a ride

Yes, everyone is starting to agree

That the wool was in their eyes, but now they finally see

All the evidence has finally been produced

And all the chickens are coming home to roost

3. The vagabond who used to be your closest business partner

Now can get revenge on you for when you sent him on his road

And the reformer that you didn’t kill ’cause you didn’t want a martyr

Has you now in a position where he finally can unload

Yes, the victims now at last have won their day

They can dish out what you gave them before you’re put away

See how quickly everybody’s anger’s loosed

Since all the chickens are coming home to roost

4. The competitor who you chased away ’cause you didn’t want no trouble

Is returning now to town where he will get the big last laugh

And the cripple who you maimed for life after acting as your double

Now can see the tables turned as everyone sees your bad half

Now the people question how the mayor died

They want an explanation and you can’t think up a lie

This time you’ll find no one will be seduced

’Cause all the chickens are coming home to roost

5. The citizens are talking of revenge for what you gave them

But they can’t decide which method, the bullet or the rope

They’ll give you as much mercy as you gave to all your victims

And that really wasn’t much, so now you know you’ve got no hope

Now the people are dismantling all you own

Taking back what you have stolen and calling in your loans

Now you’re finding how your standing is reduced

When all the chickens are coming home to roost

Cardboard Bus

By Dave Hornstein

Chorus: Oh, you can’t get to heaven in a cardboard bus

No, no, you can’t get to heaven in a cardboard bus

I said you can’t get to heaven in a cardboard bus

Because the goddamned thing just won’t hold us

1. Wandering through the city, I was wondering what to do

I had nowhere to go, I was alone and feeling blue

Just then some cat came up to me and showed me what he hid

He said, “This is the finest stuff, you want to buy a lid?”

I went and bought that lid then ‘cause he looked like one I’d trust

But right then he pulled his badge out and he said, “Boy, it’s a bust”

Chorus

2. Johnny said to Leroy and Leroy said to Sam

“Let’s go raise a little hell because that man don’t give a damn

He tells us lies and robs us blind and doesn’t care a bit

And whenever we complain he just says, ‘Boy, you’re full of shit’

Let’s really give him something that he never will forget

To maybe make him realize that we aren’t beaten yet”

Chorus

3. Within the court of justice now the judge for order rapped

The defendants sure were squirming ‘cause they knew he had them trapped

The DA’d done a railroad job the judge had well approved

Between the two the trial had been quick, well-run and smooth

The jury now was coming back, just a minute did they need

And everybody knew just what their verdict soon would be

Chorus

4. Well they took me to the station for to fingerprint and book

The cops were mean and angry ‘cause they didn’t like my looks

They said, “You’ll be arraigned, boy, and you’ll get to meet a judge

Who throws the book at freaks like you and shows that he is tough”

I thought they might be kidding, so I thought I’d wait and see

For my mind said it was bullshit, though my stomach didn’t agree

Chorus

5. Well, Johnny, Sam and Leroy now had gathered quite a crowd

They said, “It’s time to rise now, let’s be open, strong and loud”

They marched on down the main street where their numbers sure did swell

They said, “We’re through with begging, now’s the time to give them hell

Let’s find ourselves a target that the people all will know”

And when someone said, “The courthouse,” how that crowd did ever go

Chorus

6. Well, they took me to the courtroom where the judge did call my case

I said to him, “Not guilty” and he spat upon my face

He said, “Boy, you’re in trouble, won’t you save us lots of time

By writing out a statement and confessing to the crime”

I said to him, “That’s bullshit, you won’t railroad me to jail

Soon as I can get a lawyer, soon as I can post some bail”

Chorus

7. Well, that surging crowd of people charged on up the courthouse steps

The cops were trampled underfoot before they caught their breaths

They smashed right through the courtroom door and not a splinter stood

They pounced upon the DA and they gave it to him good

They really wrecked the courthouse, yes they carried on like pros

And when the judge tried to complain, they simply punched him in the nose

Chorus

8. Well, the police reinforcements thought that they could save the day

They came in through the back door and they entered in the fray

They fired out their tear gas and the people coughed and cried

They clubbed the people senseless and they quickly had them tied

As for myself, I didn’t stay when my hearing was stopped

I ran out through the side door and didn’t stop until I dropped

Chorus

9. Well, the last I heard of Johnny, he had gotten out on bail

But Sam had split to Cuba and Leroy was still in jail

The courthouse was repaired and that old judge, he soon came back

And convicted people right and left ‘til he had a heart attack

All records of my case were burned, my best friend told me so

And what the chorus has to do with this, I really do not know

Chorus

The Triumph of Omelet, Prince King of Denmark

By Dave Hornstein

Scholars recently discovered an early draft of Hamlet containing a key character who was cut from the final version of the play. This was Hamlet’s younger brother Omelet, who egged him on.

As originally conceived by Shakespeare, Omelet fills an important role, advising the indecisive (“to be or not to be”) Hamlet on every action he takes. In fact, were it not for Omelet continually stirring things up, Hamlet would have had it over easy, letting their uncle Claudius get away with their father’s murder.

You see, in contrast to his brother’s scrambled thinking, Omelet was a hard-boiled man, firm and decisive. He was also very bright, a real egghead. Omelet had never liked Claudius, feeling that he was a cheesy kind of guy, always out to feather his nest. He knew something was rotten when Claudius poached the crown that rightfully belonged to Hamlet, and then whisked off their mother Gertrude into a quickie marriage.

But the eccentric Hamlet remained in his shell until their father’s ghost told him that he had been poisoned by Claudius. While Omelet immediately concluded that the ghost was real and told Hamlet to kill Claudius, Hamlet wondered if it was a devil sent to torment him.

As the eldest son, it was Hamlet’s duty to avenge their father’s murder. While chafing at Hamlet’s soft approach, Omelet suggested that Hamlet pretend to have cracked to avoid Claudius’ suspicions while investigating him further.

When Claudius sent Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, two friends from his salad days, to spy on Hamlet, Omelet recommended that he counter their half-baked efforts by confusing them. But the cream of his advice was suggesting that a visiting troupe of actors ham it up by playing a scene similar to their father’s murder to trap Claudius.

This plan hit the bull’s-eye when Claudius, clearly in a pickle and white as a sheet, made his exit before the scene ended. Hamlet had now peeled away the cover-up and knew Claudius killed their father, but blew a chance to kill him. Omelet was angered by Hamlet’s hesitation, asking why he had coddled Claudius, who clearly deserved to be fried for murder.

Omelet saved Hamlet from execution in England by having him change the orders carried by Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and then plant it on them, but was fatally ignored when Hamlet agreed to Claudius’ terms for his duel with Laertes. Omelet pointed out all the evil Claudius had done and that he couldn’t be trusted to provide the weapons, but Hamlet said he could beat Laertes with any sword.

As you can see, this draft was very different from the play we know. Shakespeare had some problems with it, for Hamlet looked weak and indecisive, with Omelet constantly bailing him out, hardly a tragic hero. If he couldn’t get the play to work, Shakespeare feared being thoroughly roasted by the critics, particularly Francis Bacon. So he used his noggin on several revisions, gradually reducing Omelet’s role and giving some of Omelet’s qualities to Hamlet to increase the dramatic tension. By the final version, Shakespeare decided to drop Omelet entirely, with Hamlet becoming an only child. This was exactly what was needed.

Of course, the original ending wasn’t completely tragic, for instead of a sad benediction, things turned out sunny side up for Omelet. With Claudius and Hamlet dead, he became king of Denmark, proving to be one of its wisest, as he did an excellent job. Omelet was indeed a Great Dane, doggedly pursuing the best interests of his people.

But being king wasn’t all work and no play, for Omelet would frequently shed the yoke of royal responsibilities to engage in a variety of hobbies. His favorite hobby was cooking, and his greatest achievement was inventing a new egg dish, which was named for him in his honor and bears his name to this day.

So the next time you bite into an omelet, be aware that you are honoring the memory of Hamlet’s brother, who egged him on.

It Crawled Out of the Box

By Dave Hornstein

1. It crawled out of the box and went down to the railroad station

No one ever saw it ‘cause it was too small

It went out to the highway and waited for the rain

Someone claimed to see it, but they said he was insane

And even if he had, he must have suffered from eyestrain

2. It wandered to the city with the people all surrounding

They say some strange things happened there, but I don’t know

It went into a park and there it climbed into the trees

It climbed upon a flagpole and it fluttered in the breeze

But it left the scene the moment that it heard somebody sneeze

3. It went out to the country where there’d be much less congestion

It didn’t know what it was getting into then

For what was then to happen surely had to be a shame

Some farmer stepped upon it, yes, but he was not to blame

But that didn’t really matter, for now it was so lame

4. It crawled out to the parking lot in hopes that it could leave there

It hoped that it could hitch a ride from me or you

It crawled out to the beach where there walked Arnold and Arlene

Arlene was scared to see it, but Arnold felt quite mean

He stomped his shoe upon it, it was smashed to smithereens

But no one ever figured what this action had to mean

For nothing in ten miles now would grow if it was green

And every year until the twelfth would surely prove quite lean

But then there’d come a time when all would seem so very clean

As the moon rose in the night-time now to frame the final scene

5. It crawled out of the box and went down to the railroad station

No one ever saw it ‘cause it was too small

And if you think that this is just a tale to waste your time

You’re right, but try to prove that, it just isn’t worth a dime

Still I wonder what would happen if this song were done in mime…

Derelict

By Dave Hornstein

1. The derelict wanders in the street

He picks up anything he finds

The derelict looks for something to eat

That would go with a bottle of wine

He doesn’t really care what the people think

As he pulls out the cork and he takes a drink

Chorus: And the derelict wanders aimlessly

He goes where he wants ‘cause he thinks he’s free

Today he’ll be what he wants to be

And tomorrow do the same

2. The derelict goes to look for work

He picks up any job he finds

On the assembly line or as a soda jerk

Though he knows better ways to spend his time

He finds it a drag from day to day

Until the end of the week when he gets his pay

Chorus

3. The derelict goes to a rally

He goes to every one he finds

He hopes this time he may see Sally

Or her friend he can’t get on the line

The organizer, he knows, is a creep

And the speaker currently is putting him to sleep

Chorus

4. The derelict searches the trash cans

There’s something special he must find

A gold and silver-painted bedpan

It has a strange hold on his mind

He shouts out it’s been found at last

It’s a precious treasure of a long forgotten past

Chorus

5. The derelict goes to a party

He picks up any girl he finds

He enjoys himself, but really hardly

Only after lots of dope and wine

He doesn’t know he’s the butt of the joke

As the joint’s passed to him and he takes a toke

Chorus

Yes, the derelicts wander aimlessly

They go where they want ‘cause they think they’re free

Today they’ll be what they want to be

And tomorrow do the same